Grab some coffee or tea, and sit down, I’ve got one load of a story for you guys today :)
So some of you may know my Fitness Story , how I went from a stick to being a little over weight in gaining 30 lbs, to losing 15 and just being skinny fat, restricting myself on how much I could eat, to now, no restrictions (unless you count my food allergies haha), and now running and lifting weights.
A lot of people have done post this week about body image, and it has just helped me have the courage to finally write this. My thoughts. The scary places I’ve been.
I was so addicted to running, yes I loved it, it made me happy every day I did it. But it also allowed me to eat more, because you know, when you’re starving yourself to stay at the size 0, all you want to do is eat. At the time, I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, all I knew was that I was finally happy with my body, I was at 7% body fat, had lost my period, but I wasn’t tired much. See, running allowed me to burn off calories, then eat to replenish them back to a whooping 800 calories.
But then all hell broke loose when I ended up with fractures in the 10th grade. Fractures all up and done my shins, the doctors only wanted me to walk when I had to, like to class, to the car. Now you can imagine what a person who depeneded on running to keep her thin, to allow her to eat more without gaining weight, that ran well over 40 miles week was thinking when she was told this. I broke down in tears immediately when I received this news. The doctor just stared at me like I was a crazy person. He didn’t understand the love I had for this sport. But I didn’t understand what was needed to get better. I didn’t understand at this time, how much damage I had done to my body.
I went through a crazy depression, contemplated suicide. Yeah, I was crazy obsessed with running, but I also couldn’t stand the fact that I was throwing on the weight regularly every week. I finally reached 118, and that is when I finally stopped gaining, but I also started swimming at this time as well, and started restricting again. Around this time, Taylor and I had become great friends. He just listened. That was all I needed, not to be told it’s all going to be okay. I didn’t even want to look at the future at this point, I just wanted to focus on now, and getting through each day. And you could say I had become a little dependent on certain drugs….I relied on them to let me sleep the pain away, otherwise I was balling my eyes out.
The hardest part was just accepting the simple truth, I caused this. A lot of people think I’m crazy or that I shouldn’t blame myself, or that it’s my coach’s fault when I say this. But I still stand strong in what I think. I caused a vicious cycle, I knew I needed help. I had a horrible fear of gaining weight and I let that and running take over my life. I knew what I was doing wasn’t ‘normal’. I knew that I needed to change if I ever wanted to be healthy again…….